New ‘Smart Condom’ Literally No One Asked For

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Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?

Let’s start with the obvious question: is this ‘smart condom’ an actual condom then? Does it do the essential job of not-smart condoms i.e. protect people from getting STIs and from having unwanted pregnancies?

Well, despite being marketed as a condom, the new product from British Condoms is neither smart, nor a condom. It provides zero protection from STIs or unwanted pregnancies.

“No, i.Con is not an actual condom; it’s a ring that will sit over a condom at the base, which you can use over and over again. It is extremely comfortable, water resistant and lightweight, you won’t even know it’s there ensuring maximum pleasure and, peace of mind that you can choose any condom you wish to use in conjunction with the i.Con.”So, if it’s not a condom, what is it? And what the hell is it for? “Utilising a Nano-chip and sensors, i.Con will measure and remember a number of different variables during your sessions. Once your session is completed, you will then be able to use the i.Con app to download your recent data which is paired to the device using Bluetooth technology. Once you have downloaded your data, the i.Con will automatically clear its memory making way for your next session.”

These are the aforementioned “variables” that it will record: calories burnt during sexual intercourse, speed of thrusts, total number of thrusts, frequency of sessions, total duration of sessions, average velocity of thrusts, girth measurement, different positions used and average skin temperature.

Although i.Con say your sex data will be kept anonymous, apparently there’s an option to share it (because who wouldn’t want to brag about their “thrust speed” to their mates?) with friends.

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